In Her Shoes
by Chemical Umbrella
Summary: After sleeping with the wrong girl, Barney wakes up with a female body. Set season 3-ish.
1. A Not-So-Legendary Morning

Hello people :) This is my first fanfic on this website, so I hope you'll enjoy it. English is not my first language, so the grammar is probably all screwed up... Sorry!  
Disclaimer; I clearly do not own How I Met Your Mother or any of its characters.  
-

Mornings. Ugh.

Barney groaned and sat up straight, reaching for the alarm clock. Instead of actually touching the annoying little machine, he slammed his hand into a wall.  
Oh, right. He was at Ted's, Marshall's and Lily's place. More exactly, in their bathtub. Scored a hippie chick after a couple of drinks and staggered away from her place a couple of hours ago. She was sex on a stick but terrible in bed… Shame.

Barney yawned as he opened his eyes. Coughed a little. God, his voice was all screwed up. Perhaps a little less scotch the next time?  
He made an attempt to get out of the tub, but stopped immediately at the sight of his hand. So… petite. The skin was all smooth, and all five finger nails were painted bright pink. When he looked at the other hand, it was just the same.

Wait a second.

Pink nightie, shaved legs. Blonde curles on his shoulders.  
_Keep calm_, Barney thought to himself. _It's okay bro, you're still drunk. Keep calm.  
_He climbed out of the tub while staring down at the body that seemed to belong to him. What should've been the most legendary creation of all time was replaced by something feminine and smooth. Whatever happened, Barney did not approve.  
_  
Oh great. A mirror. You're just drunk, keep…  
_There was a girl standing right in front of him. She had curly, blonde hair and a pink nightie. Killer body including long legs and great boobs. She looked back at Barney, eyes wide.

His hand automatically flew up to touch his face, and the blonde made the exact same movement.

Que a very non-masculine scream from both of them.

Knock, knock.  
"Barney? Are you alright in there?"  
Ted's voice, coming from the living room. Barney stood still, glued to the ground._ I'm a chick_, he thought. A goodlooking chick with boobs that, judged by one squeeze, were 100 % real. Like a bizarre, erotic nightmare.

After one last terrified glimpse at him(her?)self in the mirror, Barney swallowed hard and turned around. He should be thinking hot, lesbian thoughts right now, not panicking. But it wasn't dreamy – just freaky as hell.  
He unlocked the door and opened it slowly. Ted was sitting on the couch with some lame book in his hands, but he jumped at the sight of Barney.

"Who the hell are you?!" he exclaimed. "Have you… Oh my god, I hate when he does this. Did you have sex in the tub?"

"N-no", Barney stammered in a weird, high-pitched girl voice.

"Then what…", Ted sighed. "No, I don't want to know. Is Barney still in there?"

"I'm Barney", Barney said. "I know, it's totally crazy, but…"

Ted chuckled. "Did he honestly believe I was going to fall for that?"

"Dude! I swear, it's true. I woke up like this, and now I'm crazy confused."

"But if you're Barney, then what's my full name?" Ted smirked.

"Theodore Evelyn Mosby. It's totally lame."

Ted's chin fell. He stared at Barney for a moment before taking a deep breath.

"First woman you ever slept with?"

"Rhonda French."

"Your…"

"For god's sake Ted, do you want me to start describing breasts?"

Ted blushed as his eyes immediately flew down to Barney's chest. Barney made a disgusted noise.

"Dude, stop staring."

"I-it's really you, isn't it?"

"That's what I've been saying! I woke up like this, and now…"

Ted shook his head and put down the book. "I'll go and get Marshall and Lily. This is too good to be true!"  
Barney sighed and sat down on the couch as Ted urgently left the room. This was going to be a long day.


	2. Pauline

Thank you all for showing interest in my story :) Here you are, a boring new chapter.  
-

Barney felt like a mannequin. Marshall, Lily and Ted had now put an end to asking questions, laughing and pulling his hair, but they were still eying him from different angels of the apartment. Every now and then, one of them shook their head and whispered something like "He's a chick! He's a _chick_!" Barney answered these little comments with a deadpan stare.

The front door flew open and Robin entered the apartment. Her cheeks were bright red due to the cold weather and a pair of blue pajama pants peeked out under her coat.

"Now what's this all about?" she asked, waving her cellphone in the air. "Text message from Ted, I'm quoting… 'Get here as fast as you can! Barney has turned into a girl!'"

Lily nodded enthusiastically and pointed towards Barney. Robin turned her head and stared at the blonde girl for a couple seconds before cracking a smile.

"Wow. That's… That's awesome."

"No disturbing questions?" Barney asked skeptically. "No laughter?"

"Nah", Robin said. "You _are _Barney. Put a lame catch phrase in your mouth and a suit on your body…"

Barney gave his friend a graceful smile. Robin had always been easy to hang out with, and she didn't disappoint this time either.

"I can see it too", Ted suddenly said. "It's like you're Barney's… hot twin sister."

Barney sighed. "Bro! Stop commenting on my hotness and try to figure out how to get me back into the Barnacle."

"Yeah", Marshall said. "Try to recreate last night in your head. What happened?"

Barney closed his eyes. The previous night was a bit of a blur, but he had a few drunken memories to rely on.

"I was at MacLaren's drinking for a couple of hours before I met this hippie looking chick. I don't remember her name, but she liked guys in suits. We…"

"Spare me the details, please", Lily said. "Was she the only girl you slept with last night? Where does she live?"

"Yeah", Barney said. "She had a flat a couple of blocks away… I walked here from there."

"Let's go there, then", Robin said. "If it wasn't the booze, she must have some kind of explanation."

"Witchcraft", Marshall murmured. The Gang usually rolled their eyes at his superstitiousness, but this time, it didn't feel that impossible.

"But then what am I supposed to wear?" Barney asked, sounding more ladylike than ever. "The stupid transformation thingie took one of my finest suits."

"I've got it", Lily said.

She walked over to her bedroom and disappeared for a while before returning with a pile of women's clothing in her arms. Barney looked at the pile in misbelief.

"A bra? I'm not… Wait, have you washed it?"

Lily chuckled. "Change, pervert."

A short while later, the gang was out and about on the streets of New York. It was painfully cold outside and the ground was covered in muddy snow.

Was this how women felt all the time? Barney muttered curse words between clenched teeth when he almost fell for the third time in Lily's high heeled boots. The bra cut into his skin and parts of a blonde fringe kept falling down in his face.

Two young women approched them arm in arm, talking loudly about some new store. Barney straightened up and wiggled his eyebrows at them. They both frowned and started walking a bit faster.

Oh, right. No flirting.

"Is this it?" Ted asked. Barney looked up and realized they were standing in front of a huge building. Yes, this place had a part in his blurry memories.

"Yeah. She lives upstairs."

Ted opened the door and almost bumped into a skinny girl with a trash bag in her hand. She had long, brown dreadlocks and a blanket thrown over her shoulders, almost covering her pink nightie. It was strangely similar to the one Barney woke up in.

"P-Pauline", Barney whispered, suddenly remembering the girl's name.

Pauline looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "Do I know…"

She turned silent for a moment before cracking a huge grin. "Oh, hi Barney. Looking good."


	3. Miss Barney Stinson

Thank y'all for reading, you're awesome :)

* * *

Pauline's apartment was small and dark, with just enough space for six persons. When entering it, you stepped right into a little kitchen area. Two big cats with different colored eyes were sitting on the sink, staring sheepishly at the gang. Barney automatically took a step back and stepped into a small puddle of urine.

"This place is kinda messy", Pauline said with an excusing smile. "We don't have alot of guests."

She picked up one of the cats and placed it on her shoulders.

"So?" Lily asked.

"What?"

"Did you turn Barney into a girl?"

Pauline shrugged. "I don't know. Probably?"

Of course, a psychopath! Barney took a deep sigh and stepped forward, leaving only a couple of inches between himself and Pauline.

"Listen up, sweetie. I woke up as a chick. I'm wearing a bra, when I could be wearing a Prada suit. If you don't immediately tell me what I'm supposed to do, I might aswell strangle your cat."

The cat sitting on Pauline's shoulders let out a small roar and stretched its paw towards Barney, who jumped in fear. Pauline giggled.

"I'm… I'm more of a dog person", Barney stammered.

"Whatever you say, blondie", Pauline smirked. "But alright, I'll tell ya. The women in my family have always been… special."

"Collecting comic books kind of special or mental hospital kind of special?" Robin asked, causing Ted to elbow her in the side. "Ouch! I'm just curious."

"Let's just say that my grandfather was turned into a frog at several occasions", Pauline said. "When one of us gets treated badly by someone, our minds tend to punish that person. It just happens."

"Witchcraft", Marshall murmured.

"So turn me back!" Barney exclaimed. "This body is hot, but also very weird."

"I can't turn you back", Pauline said. "You told me lies and left me behind. It's like Beauty and the Beast! You'll be yourself again when you've learned the lesson."

"But I _have _learned the lesson! C'mon, just…"

"No, blondie. You'll do just fine. A couple of weeks or so, and you're free from your curse."

* * *

After endless arguing, Barney gave up. The gang said goodbye to Pauline and her psychotic cats and traveled by taxi to Robin's apartment. As soon as they got there, Barney threw himself on the couch.

"What the hell am I supposed to do?" he whimpered. "I don't know what the damn lesson is!"

"Perhaps you just have to stop sleeping around?" Robin said, chuckling.

"Don't be silly", Barney muttered and buried his new face in a pillow.

"You'll figure it out", Ted said. "Anyway, Marshall and I are off to buy bagels."

"Why can't I come? Barney asked.

"Sorry bro", Marshall said. "Lily's got something in store for you."

In that very moment, Lily walked out from Robin's bedroom, where she'd disappeared when they first got there. She was dragging a huge chalkboard with wheels.

"Where did you…"

"No questions asked! Now, since you're gonna be stuck in this body for a while, Robin and I are going to teach you all about walking, talking and acting like a woman."

The door went shut behind them – Marshall and Ted was officially out of the picture. Barney sighed.

"Oh, c'mon. I'm practically a little princess already."

"Not at all!" Robin shook her head. "You're just Barney in a pink t-shirt."

"Exactly", Lily nodded. She picked up a chalk and wrote 'NAME' with capital letters on the chalkboard. "Barney is too masculine, so you'll have to use something else."

"Hmm…" Robin sat down on the couch and studied Barney, who gave her the dead pan stare. "Gretchen? No, too complicated. We can call you… Jennifer."

"That's worse than Swarley!" Barney exclaimed. Lily smirked and scribbled down 'Jennifer Stinson' next to 'NAME'.

"Alright, moving on! Besides from winter boots, have you ever worn a pair of high heeled shoes?"

"No…"

"You sure?"

"Yea… Alright, once. But she was really kinky."

Lily frowned. "Oh, god. I'll get you a pair from Robin's closet."

She left the room. Barney sighed and drew a hand through his golden locks. Having long hair was strange – it reminded him of the old Shannon-days. He'd also been this skinny back then. In fact, there was alot of things about this body that reminded him of younger times. Oh, except for the little detail that he actually had boobs now.

"Cheer up, Jen", Robin said, patting his shoulder. "Believe it or not, but you do make a very pretty girl."

Barney snorted. "Thanks, Scherbatsky. So do you."

"Oh, shut up."


	4. Girls' Night Out

Hello people! I'm sorry haven't updated, I've been crazy busy this week. Thank y'all for reviews, favs and follows - you guys are so awesome :) I hope this is good - I had to use alot of google translate! Anyways, enjoy!

* * *

At precisely 10 pm, a couple of people entered MacLaren's Bar. Some of the other visitors looked up to see who it was, and most of them immediately turned their heads back again. But a few kept staring, their eyes glued to the blonde bombshell who desperately tried to hide behind her group. When one of the others took a step aside, the blonde almost fell to the floor in her dangerously high heels.

"_Barney_", Lily hissed between clenched teeth. "Straighten up and walk like a lady!"

"I'm _trying_!" Barney whimpered. "But they're all staring, it's freaking me out!"

"You'll get used to it. Shameless flirting is your area, right?"

Barney cursed. The horrible women's clothing stuck to his body like another layer of skin, and instead of feeling dashing and confident, he felt like a piece of meat in a lion's cage. And on top of that, Ted kept shooting him perverted glances.

Of course, it'd been worse before.

"_Gentlemen and… gentlemen, may I present to you… Miss Jennifer Stinson!"_

_Robin made a dramatic gesture towards her bathroom door, which remained closed. She sighed and cleared her throat._

"_Miss Jennifer Stinson!"_

_The door flew open as Lily gave Barney a push into the living room. He took a few unstable steps and stopped right in front of Marshall and Ted, who stared at their friend in shock._

_It wasn't Barney. Well, it really didn't seem like him. This girl had smoky eyes, marked eyebrows and makeup that brought out the amazing bone structure in her face. The curly hair fell down her shoulders so perfect that she could've starred in a commerical for L'Oreal. She was wearing a fitted dress in pink and a pair of white high heels._

"_It's not fair", Robin murmured. "Barney looks better in that dress than what I do, and he didn't even have to starve himself."_

"_Wow…", Marshall nodded. "Dude, you look amazing!"_

"_E-excuse me for a moment", Ted stammered. He turned around and ran out in the stairwell, blushing like a school girl._

Eww. Barney glared at his friend and sat down in their usual booth, next to Marshall. Wendy the Waitress approached them with a huge grin on her face.

"Hi guys!" she greeted them. "You have to introduce me to your new friend."

"What new…", Barney began. He was abruptly interrupted by Robin, who kicked his shin underneath the table.

"Of course. Jennifer, this is Wendy the Waitress. Wendy, this is Jennifer. She's… Barney's sister, and she's here to watch his apartment while he's out of town."

"Nice to meet you, Jennifer!" Wendy smiled. "What would you like to drink?"

"Scotch and soda."

"Wow, you're definitely Barney's sister! I'll get you others the usual."

Wendy walked away. Barney sighed and buried his face in his hands.

"Don't do that, you're screwing up the makeup!" Lily exclaimed and pulled out a box of tissues from her handbag. "Go to the bathroom and fix it."

"Alright, alright… Wait, the ladies' room?"

* * *

The ladies' room was almost empty, except for two women who chattered with eachother while washing their hands. Atleast one of them seemed to be younger than 30, and Barney resisted his temptation to go over and introduce himself. He couldn't really pull of a play from The Playbook as a girl.

He turned to one of the sinks and started wiping smeared mascara off his face. Despite being super hot, the woman in the mirror looked tired and grouchy.

"C'mon, Barney Stinson", Barney muttered to himself. "You're a man, keep it together."

"Excuse me, but did you just say Barney Stinson?" the younger woman asked, looking at Barney. "Do you know him?"

"Umm… Yeah", Barney said. "We… slept together once."

"Oh my god", the woman said. "I'm Lauren. My friend met Barney Stinson once, and he tricked her into thinking he was a genie whose penis grants wishes. So stupid! Isn't he a jerk?"

"Yep", Barney nodded. "A… a huge jerk. But he's great in bed, we…"

"Are you guys talking about Barney Stinson?"

An african-american girl with her hair gathered in a ponytail came out from one of the booths, looking excited. Barney immediately recognized her and swallowed hard.

"I'm Stephanie. Barney Stinson is like, the biggest jerk on this planet! He told me that he wanted to marry me and then left when I was in the shower."

"He did the same thing to me", Barney said, smiling like an idiot. "Such a jerk, yeah…"

"Well, I'm Geraldine", the older woman said. "You girls should come over to our table!"

"I'd love to", Stephanie dried her hands on a paper towel and grabbed Barney's arm. "What's your name, sweetie?"

"Bar… Jennifer."

* * *

30 minutes later, and Barney was still sandwiched between Geraldine and Lauren by a small table in the corner. The girls exchanged sentences faster than lightning, and still managed not to choke on their girly umbrella drinks. Barney took deep sips of his scotch, glancing desperately at the gang. They simply waved at him, having a good laugh about the whole situation. Well, he could always kill them later.

"Hello, sexy. Wanna go for a ride?"

Barney looked up. A bald guy in his 40s leaned over their table, looking at 'Jennifer' with an obnoxious grin. The smell of cologne welled over Barney and he automatically wrinkled his nose.

"No, thank you. You're… really not my type."

"Oh, c'mon…", the guy leaned closer and stroked Barney's arm. "You know you want it."

"Umm, she said no", Stephanie said. "So go away."

"And what are you, her lesbian girlfriend?" the guy asked. "I wouldn't mind a threesome."

Stephanie reached for her handbag and pulled out a can of pepper spray, pointing it at the guy. Barney mentally thanked God that he wasn't his normal self at the moment.

"Fine, I'll go!" The guy said, stepping back. "Crazy bitches…"

"T-thanks", Barney said as the guy wandered off. "Pepper spray… I'll have to buy myself a can."

"You're welcome", Stephanie said with a smile. "And you totally should. Buy pepper spray, I mean. If you see Barney again, it could be really useful!"

Barney took a huge sip of his scotch. This was going to be a long night.


	5. Awkward Kissing

As the days went by, Barney got more and more tired of living with a female body. He called in sick for work and spent the days wandering around inside. When The Gang forced him out of the house every now and then, he reluctantly stepped into Lily or Robin's clothing while shooting longing glances towards his suit wardrobe. The girls from MacLaren's sent Barney numerous text messages, but there was no way he'd spend another evening discussing boys in a haze of perfume.

An afternoon four days after the girls' night out, Barney crashed on his couch for the seventysixth time and started browsing through the channels on his giant TV. His body felt oddly sore and restless. Was it because of the lack of sex? Maybe. However, he'd do anything to see a couple of boobs that wasn't his own right now.

Since it was late enough for Ted to quit doodling buildings or whatever, Barney decided to pay him a visit. Worse than boobs, better than slacking on the couch.

Free from makeup and dressed in the pink nightie, a winter coat and jeans, Barney reached The Apartment a short while later. He rubbed the sleep out of Jennifer's eyes and opened the door.

Empty.

"Ted?" Barney looked around, confused. "Marshall, Lily? Anybody here?"

"I'm in the kitchen!" Ted shouted. Barney sighed and peeked in to the kitchen area to see Ted with a cup of coffee in his hands.

"Oh. Hi bro, didn't see you there."

Ted didn't answer. Instead, he just stared at Barney with an odd expression on his face.

"Umm, hello? I'm was jus…"

Barney was abruptly interrupted by a pair of lips, smashing into his. The sudden taste of coffee and vaseline was overwhelming, and it took Barney a second to understand that it was Ted kissing him. As soon as that realization reached his panicking brain, he jumped back to break the kiss.

"_DUDE_! What the hell!?"

Ted shook his head, covering part of his face in his hands. "I-I'm so sorry… It's just… You're a girl! A very pretty girl!"

"I'm not a girl!" Barney exclaimed. "I'm Barney Stinson, your best friend. I sleep with women, I drink scotch and I smoke cigars."

"I… I won't let it happen again", Ted said, frowning. "I'm sorry."

"I know, I know…", Barney sighed and sat down on the couch. "It's okay. But we desperately need to get you laid."

* * *

They were soon parked by the bar counter, sipping on their drinks and analyzing every corner of MacLaren's. It was pretty crowded since people were starting to quit work, but still, Barney didn't find himself the victim of horny looks. Weird.

"I'll go talk to the asian girl by the jukebox", Ted said. "Perhaps I can get her number."

"Want me to come with you?" Barney asked.

"No. You're a girl, it would be weird."

"Hey! You're the girl, using vaseline and all."

Ted rolled his eyes and started walking towards the jukebox. Barney returned to his drink and took a big sip.

"It's rough, huh?"

He flinched at the familiar voice and turned his head. Pauline was sitting right next to him, drinking red wine. She looked pretty as ever in some sort of purple gown, but the cruel smirk on her lips made Barney feel very bad about himself.

"How… How long have you been sitting there?" he asked.

"Being a girl, I mean", Pauline said, ignoring his question. "Uncomfortable clothing, getting hit on by jerks… I'm surprised you even considered going out without brushing your hair."

Barney's hand automatically flew up to touch his blonde curls. Of course, that was the reason people didn't flirt. Who wears a nightie and no makeup in a bar?

"Well, it's all your fault", he muttered. "When are you going to turn me back?"

"When you've learnt the lesson!" Pauline shook her head. "God damn it, what is it with you men? So shortsighted… Anyway, I'm not here to tease you. In fact…"

"Jen!"

Barney turned around to face Stephanie, who instantly made the pit in his stomach grow wider. Stephanie wrinkled her forehead, chuckling nervously.

"Hi Jennifer", she said. "You look… great. So natural!"

"Thanks", Barney said, mentally stabbing the now giggling Pauline in his mind. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh, y'know, just hanging out. I've spotted the cutest guy, though. He's… Oh my god, he's heading over here!"

Barney followed Stephanie's eyes and discovered that the 'cute guy' was in fact Ted, who currently made his way back from the jukebox without any visible telephone number note in his hand. Barney grinned at Stephanie while adding Ted to the massacre in his head.

"Oh, he's my friend. I'll introduce you."

"Really!? Oh my god, you're the best friend ever."

At this point, Barney could really just stab himself. "Umm, Ted? Haaave you met Stephanie?"

* * *

Hello awesome people, hope you enjoyed this one! I'll try to make more time for writing, but it's really hard :/ Feel free to review!


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